nothing else matters

2009-06-23T20:08:00.001+08:00

is it possible to fall in love with a stranger?

2009-05-30T18:14:00.005+08:00

i queued on a friday night for a queue longer than butter fact's. it was the toys"r"us transformers midnight sale haha! i felt damn geeky man but i bought myself a kechil optimus prime while everybody bought those damn big cool ones. but nvm my cute kechil optimus prime can do splits. aiyo can't wait for revenge of the fallen.

watch the trailer!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_Veo0G2qfY

2009-05-27T02:17:00.004+08:00

there's something i wish i could tell you but i don't think it would be appropriate. i'm not even sure of it myself. i feel so troubled. and i don't know if that day will come when i will have these regrets whatsoever because of the way i am? i'm looking for an indication but even so, so what if i find an indication? what am i supposed to do about it?

right now, i feel safe. safe that i'm away and just being by myself. and i don't know how much i'm willing to give up feeling this safe and peaceful. even if i end up willing to, things don't usually go the way you expect them to be. the things i did and felt consciously and subconsciously are making me feel like some joke is being played on me.

oh and i hate it when someone looks right into my eyes and pierce through my soul. i feel vulnerable... and something more.

better snap out of it. anyway, time will tell.

2009-05-26T03:11:00.001+08:00

i thought my heart skipped a beat. it was freaky.

2009-05-20T15:37:00.003+08:00

i am going to be mumsy for these 3 weeks and i'll probably have to always be rushing home to wash clothes/ wash dishes/ iron clothes etc. omg so tiring :(

2009-05-15T04:21:00.003+08:00

omg 90210 season 2 is going to axe the character of ethan ward (dustin milligan) so sad :( why?! i liked him the most.

2009-05-03T19:20:00.004+08:00

i'm just feeling really frustrated and i need a checklist to remind myself of the things to do:

1) call aloha loyang to cancel and refund booking because it is most likely going to be closed for the entire month. great.

2) call Great Eastern to make sure they don't charge me again for some insurance plan i didn't sign up for! so pissing.

3) go to my optician to test my eyesight for new glasses lens and new contact lens. i can barely see the board and screen.

4) make an appointment to extract my last wisdom tooth. it's pushing my teeth out. zzz.

5) sign up for driving!

6) make sure i buy my textbooks and read a bit before school starts on 18 may.

7) try to figure a way to slot in the malaysia roadtrip.

or maybe i don't want to celebrate my birthday anymore.

2009-04-28T15:36:00.004+08:00

hehe suddenly tv shows got so many eyecandies to cheeko! got pretty boy adam gregory (ty) :) and ryan eggold (mr matthews) and dustin milligan (ethan). they look so cute in 90210. i better enjoy my holiday while it lasts. and i am going to be invigilating for uol exams at expo! so fun get to invigilate my friends. haha.

2009-04-24T06:40:00.002+08:00

oh my i have been having so many nighmares of running for my life recently. so strange.

2009-04-22T13:11:00.005+08:00

this is my dent friend accounting lecturer :) but you can't see his dent from this photo. in real life it's very obvious. haha i think i won't see him for the rest of my life unless i'm lucky enough to see him in the staffroom over the next few years if he's around. pardon me if i'm being too sentimental but i really appreciate teachers whom i've learnt a lot from. they give me inspiration and reasons to go to school happily. and claudine hurt his feelings don't wanna take photo with him. haha.

2009-04-20T20:19:00.005+08:00

10 more days to the end of april. let's see if cleo's horoscope for april will come true. haha i doubt it will.

*edit
i'm probably going to perm my hair in the next few months :) and maybe with some highlights but now i think i need to go for hair treatment first. i hope something like that looks good on black hair. then i can be same old brand new me. sexciting. haha.

2009-04-19T05:01:00.007+08:00

okay i'm in no position to say anything. just remember this.

cherie, if you do go melbourne please come back soon ya! i wish i could go with you :( and update me soon.

sheesh, sometimes i really wish i could go for my bro's grad and skip school and skip celebrating my birthday.

i'm in such a random blah mood.

it's so strange what you face at times. nevertheless, it is quite amusing. although at the end of the day, i really don't want any of it.

i feel this need to disappear for some time so don't blame me if i really do. then douya maybe you can tell me how scary it was after that. haha. or you will probably say you will go celebrate/throw a party? sometimes im freaked out at how much i can predict what you're going to say and you always end up saying omg how you know! but don't worry it's not because you're predictable haha. i swear. i think i'm just observant at the things that don't matter. or maybe they do matter, at least to me.

sometimes i really get sick of being scolded or attacked verbally just because i'm somehow nicer to scold or attack? i'm always the target. you know, doesn't mean i don't seem like i have any reaction means i don't mind? one of the reasons to disappear. i just think that people should treat others how they want others to treat them. and i try to live up to that every day. i've always believed good will triumph over evil. what goes around comes around.

breakfast later?

2009-04-16T17:49:00.001+08:00

okay i know i'm so slow but this is such a cute sweet song :) and so is the video!

2009-04-14T16:45:00.003+08:00

i think this coming holiday everyone is going away. time to get used to being on my own. or just fade off.

i had this dream that my arms were slashed when i was being held hostage. i managed to escape and i could see my own flesh and blood from the deep cuts. but i could not feel the pain at all. i just stared down at the cuts and wonder how ugly the scars would look like when they eventually heal.

2009-04-14T00:01:00.006+08:00

heh heh i have new nancy drew games to play and new spinoff game hardy boys to play too! they're similar and by the same company. sexcited!

and i finally have like a complete collection of all the pencils i wanted for now until some other pencil makes me fall for it. pentel babies :) i found my caplets! my luck is honestly too good.

THANK YOU FOR THE PENTEL CLASSIC PENCIL P205 SO SWEET OF YOU <3

today i saw this damn cute half jap or full jap looking guy but he looks quite young like maybe 13 or 14 years old. not say i'm a paedo but really very cute his features very nice and he stays somewhere near like towards pasir panjang there (not say i stalk him ah cos we took the west coast plaza shuttle bus). he's the type that if older version ah i will like. haven't seen a cute guy for a long while man.

and i must remember to take photo with my dent friend lecturer on finals day. i scared i will never see him again this whole life.

If Today Was Your Last Day - Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

2009-04-10T20:02:00.001+08:00

this is unbelievable. i'm fired up now.

2009-04-07T13:51:00.003+08:00

had a dream that i travelled back in time and passed you a paper with a date written. i told you to remember this date in the future. you stared at me almost blankly because you didn't have a clue who i was.

you've been missing out for so long but now you're finally back. i do feel a bit more pampered and blessed :)

2009-03-31T02:19:00.005+08:00

this is hugh dancy. cute leh look at those dreamy green eyes. and for more viewing pleasure:

douya i know you just want to rape him! all of you should go watch confessions of a shopaholic and you will fall in love with him <3

and chace okay so random.

2009-03-29T20:42:00.007+08:00

i will find and buy the pentel caplet one day, like the whole set. i can't believe i lost it mysteriously like last last year. grrrr that pencil was like 8 years old. i think it sells in thailand and china eh. omg! now how do i get it?

oh ya i'm also looking for a nice pink ball point pen. anyone remember those papermate pink ones we used to have in primary school?

2009-03-22T04:10:00.009+08:00

it's okay. it's just about getting used to it. i've done this so many times before. i should know better.

*edit
anyway this is another thing: i know it's something you can't understand so there's no point telling you. even as i'm trying to tell you now, it's obvious you really don't see how this whole thing works. you don't even understand me well enough and your whole perception of stuff is quite shallow. you are too rational. you see everything as functions. you just don't get it. but it's okay cos so many times you haven't gotten me, and there's really nothing new to that. you just keep on thinking you know me very well and that you're right okay? just go live in your own opinions.

and to you: i'm glad you can see it even though you're younger. it keeps me sane.

2009-03-21T01:58:00.002+08:00

irmyawttcbbtwtwb
bttdwywsawwshalwflwhtww

2009-03-20T03:01:00.004+08:00

the good life is a limited and self-limiting life.

2009-03-18T05:33:00.002+08:00

i have found a new motto for myself as of today and it feels good alr :) i should thrive on this feeling everyday. just keep reminding myself.

2009-03-16T03:00:00.003+08:00

it doesn't matter, does it? even as we talk.

haha so cute. cherie how did you even chance upon this? so random.

2009-03-15T05:04:00.001+08:00

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around

2009-03-14T16:43:00.002+08:00

i have a barrier. it's going to take time. it's killing me softly but i have to face it and try to be rational. but i just can't be rational. i can't chase those feelings away as much as i want to. i'm like practically stuck in time. who's to know?

2009-03-13T02:20:00.001+08:00

it shouldn't be instrumental orientation, it should be intrinsic orientaion.

2009-03-10T00:26:00.004+08:00

sigh oh sigh. the images, feelings and thoughts so vivid.

what is wrong with meeee

2009-03-08T22:32:00.002+08:00

i need a hug even if i feel guan yin. but it's okay i probably won't need it anymore tmr. next time then.

self-worth, self-correct, self-secure

2009-03-07T15:37:00.005+08:00

all the reasons and excuses that i accepted. i will just be watching.

2009-03-07T01:21:00.005+08:00

it's kind of sad when i sign in to msn and see the number of ppl online but have nobody to talk to. seriously. there's just nothing much i really want to say. sometimes there are things that happen in life which kind of leaves me feeling really stoned for months. or sometimes there is no apparent reason at all. it kind of reminds me of sec 3/4 days when i used to watch planes. there was just this part of me that felt so empty and i always felt slightly liberated whenever i saw the planes take off. i haven't done that in a long time. and now, i'm going to turn 21 in a few months time. it's been like what 6 years? i suddenly remember this feeling. the feeling of staring into space and then getting nothing back. it's still as scary.

there is just something wrong in my life and i don't know what. or maybe, i am just really pms-ing big time. sorry.

2009-03-03T23:34:00.002+08:00

i wonder how it feels like to become someone that you used to hate. i hope i will never ever be there and i will make sure it won't happen.

2009-03-02T00:27:00.002+08:00

a nice song from the movie He's Just Not That Into You :)

2009-02-27T19:18:00.003+08:00

i guess it isn't so bad afterall. i am happy with the way things are now:) i think. and i hope things remain this way. and sometimes maybe the best thing to do is stay out of it.

2009-02-26T01:05:00.003+08:00

at the end of the day, we're all alone.

why does everyone want to achieve everything else but great and magical love in this life?
i want to achieve it, this life.

2009-02-24T03:31:00.005+08:00

hahaha this is something random. i was napping when eugene called and said something like this when i told him i was napping:
i don't care you better get the fuck up and jump 3 times now!

you're the only friend who will say this to me. it's quite amusing really.

2009-02-22T02:49:00.009+08:00

i can't seem to get to sleep or even feel like sleeping although i know my body is tired. and i don't even know what the hell i am doing here i feel so lame. is this like insomnia? maybe i'm afraid of dreaming about stuff that makes me panicky or sad. and all the weird things going around me are just...i don't know. i'm so tired. quite tired of life actually. and sick of a particular counterpart of the human race. and when you're just feeling weird and down, you remember the people who said that they'll always be there for you.

i need a vacation to somewhere peaceful and away from here. let's take a train. no not mrt.

i think i need to watch He's Just Not That Into You to remind myself some things.

*edit at 3:36pm
wow i really dreamt of sad stuff. i was dying and i was crying in my dream and after reading cherie's entry i feel like crying again. because the very first para was what i was feeling literally in the dream. the bad things didn't just fade away when i was dying it just remained there to torture the very last bit of me.

and i remember what i learnt from psyc last sem was that you only dream of stuff that you don't usually think about. it's like subconsciously. so like i must have been pushing such thoughts to the back of my mind in the day only to get haunted by them at night. good job.

2009-02-21T14:29:00.003+08:00

He's Just Not That Into You is a very feel-good movie. i loved it :) and i think it touches girls especially. and not every character had the perfect ending which was what makes it different from most chick flicks. if you have time, go catch it! i don't mind watching it again. the last line was so inspirational.

2009-02-19T13:27:00.004+08:00

some days i wish i could just hang out late doing something i like or just walking around new places to explore until the world just blacks out on me. and maybe i can have some true peace for that amount of time i actually black out.

2009-02-18T17:39:00.005+08:00

i've found the closure that i wanted and needed. although it's not in a good way, it helped me see things clearly. i've tried my best and i know i won't have to look back on all the what ifs.

singaporeans know the price of everything but the value of nothing.

2009-02-17T13:38:00.003+08:00

i dreamt of you. in my dream i was crying and you just sat there.
and i will never understand. not now, not ever.

2009-02-16T22:30:00.006+08:00

i understand totally. it's not a good thing that i actually do. in fact, i feel your pain. i've just heard more stories of such until it's to the point where i think it's just so stupid. i'll tell you another day.

the whole thing just becomes a joke and you're the only one taking it seriously. and i know i'll take it as a joke until i find the point where it's supposed to be serious. i think it's a xi fatt loongs'thing. so you know you shouldn't see it too seriously too. don't ever see it seriously. that way you won't get disappointed. and because i've decided not to see it so seriously, i'm more willing to take risks. and sometimes, risks may turn out to be something good :) and that's what i believe in now. taking things seriously in that aspect is just way too tiring. don't put in everything unless you're very sure that the other person is willing to put in everything as well. and i mean everything, to make things right. i don't believe in having any perfect combination kind of thing? it's just how much you want things to be right and how much you're willing to fix things when it goes wrong. it's a good gauge.

haha and johnny said, "phong is not amnesic, she doesn't forget things easily."

i just count the reasons that keep me happy and today i have one :)

2009-02-16T00:24:00.007+08:00

my heart totally sank. what should i do? suddenly i feel immense pressure that i've never experienced before. i'm just cracking. but i know i musn't let myself crack.

everything was just a lie right till the end and even after that. every single freaking thing. i was living in a lie. and after all that fucking shit, you can't even give me a bare minimal sincere apology. what kind of monster or beast are you?

2009-02-15T19:40:00.002+08:00

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top

of the tree.

omg this is so sweet and inspirational from wc haha. thanks girl (:

2009-02-14T15:46:00.002+08:00

feel the love, spread the love! and spread the love for ramly too. haha.

we'll find someone to love with our lives in their hands <3

2009-02-12T02:58:00.004+08:00

hopefully, one day you'll learn.

2009-02-11T17:42:00.004+08:00

haha for the first time in my life, i felt like my prayers were answered even though the prayers were addressed to the unknown forces which we do not yet know. i was so low thinking about my accounting mid-term but now i just feel so relieved and happy cos i really thought i screwed it up big time.

today is a good day afterall :D

oh and wq today i made friends with the guy you thought was cute from my school. i shall try to introduce him to you soon if there's fate!

2009-02-10T12:47:00.012+08:00

"If you have it (love), you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you do have. "
- Peter Pan author Sir James M. Barrie

interesting point of view. i came across this in some ntuc FREE magazine that claudine asked me to read. she asked me to read this particular story about this lady who got struck by lightning. very sweet and touching but kind of scary.

at this rate i'm going, i need a shrink. i just don't know how much longer i can hold out. everything is just crashing in on me at one go. life hates me.

whatever i do, i'll just never be good enough for anybody.

2009-02-09T02:29:00.002+08:00

"Fall like a meteor from the skies. My heart is a comet. My heart is a burning rock. And I come crashing, alien, into your beautiful round world. Brilliant, fading, all at the same time. After a while when the magic is lost, I lay here motionless, stagnant, burnt out, used up, a speck on your shoulder, a pebble you send off with a kick of your shoe."

"You are the poison. I am the antidote. Together we are in conflict, together we are in perfect union."

so beautifully written by John.

2009-02-08T19:21:00.005+08:00

hope is lost when it becomes dispensable to one party. so hope's still with you:)

2009-02-05T01:19:00.002+08:00

how do you conquer big things when you can't even solve small problems?

anyway recently, i've been getting some inspiration and motivation from my angmoh lecturers. my marketing lecturer sees everything in a very philosophical way it's rather interesting and my strict accounting lecturer who calls himself evil. i can tell that he's willing to help his students and that under that tough exterior there's someone warm inside. but he likes to trick people with his words. the other day we stayed back to do this group graded assignment and asked him for help, after he replied i made him swear that he's not tricking us. haha. it's heartwarming when you manage to break that tough exterior and see the warm side of a person. it made him appear more human. he even stopped to tell us a bit about himself back when he was taking accounting.

oh and my english class, i was kind of nervous at first to present my research outline because everyone was like shot with questions from the class and my teacher. luckily, my teacher liked the idea and my classmates were into it as well. they even helped me refined my question. so i'm all the more motivated to do it well. another classmate wanted to do that but he didn't have the confidence to write about it so lucky for me. and this research paper is to be worked on throughout the whole sem and it has to be 10 pages so that's why it has to be something that can hold our interest.

learning is truly enriching. i think i enjoy learning. now i'm sounding damn nerdy haha.

and douya and hh thanks for making my day in such a retarded way!

2009-02-04T01:10:00.002+08:00

it was the first time and the last time. it happened all in an instant.

2009-02-03T17:58:00.012+08:00

oh wow sorry i don't think it made my life better or help me if that's what it's supposed to be.

firstly, i can't afford it and you knew it but you promoted them to me. i end up in debts and obviously do you even care that it ate up my savings. NO? sorry to say it didnt work and if i require a bigger quantity for it to work then obviously i've already been drained out of money. money was your priority, my financial situation was never a concern for you. so on what terms do i have to listen to someone talk about any of it when he's just out to earn money from me. it's people like you that gives the whole thing a bad name. exploiting trust and love without a conscience.

secondly, i don't need somebody trying to act friends with me and pretending to be all concerned and at the same time subtly defensive. i can differentiate ppl who really want to help or care and ppl who only appear like they want to help and then disappear with their so called "concern". rude one moment, smiley faces the next. either crazy or bipolar. maybe i can pardon for these reasons. and fyi, i have to present both sides anyway so don't have to get defensive. and worse still, don't try to act like you want to help me with my essay.

thirdly, i don't trust people who lie to me consecutively as though it's damn fun.

2009-02-03T00:02:00.008+08:00

"ironically, their instinctive prey usually comprises of friends, relatives and family - the people they really care and love for. sad but true, it drives human greed to even betray one's own morals and ethics."

if you guys have time, do read all of this:
http://www.richardseah.com/news/mlm-1.html

http://www.articledashboard.com/Article/The-truth-that-most-MLM-leaders-in-Singapore--Malaysia--Thailand-and-everywhere-else-are-NOT-revealing-to-their-downlines-/21062

there are just too many research and non-research articles and experiences shared to be linked here. it has been an eye-opener.

my dear friends, i hope none of us will ever be a part of it. and ironically, i must say it has given me inspiration for my research topic for english. i think i cld really channel some negative energy there. but one thing for sure, i was trapped in deception inside out. to be totally deceived by a person who may have been just deceiving himself. or maybe he doesn't think so. i have been moritfied by how every single bit just sounds so damn familiar it practically screams one name. i'm glad i'm out of it. i can finally heave a sigh of relief.

2009-02-01T01:30:00.004+08:00

omg you're so whatever. it's so disgusting it's giving me chicken skin. ewww! seriously. wtf. you're so cheap.

and to you who probably wouldn't read this, i want to be there for you if you allow me to. even if you don't trust the others, trust in me. i wish you would and not keep things to yourself. i really want the best for you and i know how shit happens. it happens to me all the time i'm so used to it.

i could really use some vulgarities right now but nvm it's really not worth it at all.

and for the previous entry, i must say it's a lovely song with lyrics that totally touch me. and just because of that song, those beautiful lines that mean so much to me, i've decided not to be asexual afterall :)

2009-01-29T22:43:00.002+08:00

Gotta Be Somebody -Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my own breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight, out on the street out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my own breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
Lookin´ for that diamond in the rough
You never know but when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.

2009-01-26T03:02:00.003+08:00

WTF. being nice sucks.

and to be really random and to divert. look at this hot pic douya and i came across! 10000 times nicer than claudine porn haha!

2009-01-21T01:58:00.002+08:00

one thing i've learnt: never ever think a guy is different from "the others" because they're really all the same.

hopefully there are still exceptions.

2009-01-18T18:15:00.004+08:00

when i'm feeling withdrawn and i push myself not to be, i realise that it is rewarding:) and that love is so generous. and that's what it's meant to be.

i will keep my promise to a friend.

2009-01-15T23:37:00.006+08:00

maybe sometimes i shouldn't be so passive. i shouldn't follow my moods too much? i really don't know. i always do and say what my heart feels. and it seems most of the time i prefer to just be laid back and try not to be occupied with all the stuff going on. and because i follow my heart i tend to end up keeping to myself quite a lot. just trying to find some peace, motivation and to just try so hard to keep myself happy. observant ones saw through it, what's beneath my smiles and all that nonsense i'm so used to talking. i'm surprised, and not in a good way. i don't even know what's going on within me or what's going on in my mind anymore. i kind of am grateful for lessons cos they tune me to be focused at least on something. to think correctly and not be thinking of like almost nothing?! i love talking, so i'm sorry my friends if you have to put up with it. it's my only way of releasing those pent up feelings which i didn't know exist. it's what i do to clear my mind even if what comes out seems like rubbish and it probably is. i'm still trying to understand myself sometimes.

but i'm glad for people who truly care, people who bother to try to see what's behind my facial expressions and words. and for people around to be so understanding and patient with me. i really am glad in that sense. and sometimes you can see who truly cares through the eyes of that person.

2009-01-13T20:52:00.006+08:00

i caught sight of this book sitting on my bookshelf and remembered how it caught my attention back when things were new and unfamiliar. i remember how i used to flip the book from the very beginning and stopped right before this particular section because i didn't think i would have needed or wanted to.

now here i am reading the very sections mentioned. yes those particular sections. this time, i skipped all the previous sections because it has become too familiar.

i can't remember when was the last time i managed to fall asleep peacefully and happily and dream of good stuff and wake up feeling as happy and peaceful as before i slept. i can't even remember when i last had a good sleep without drifting in and out or waking up suddenly. i really really hate it.

2009-01-11T04:45:00.007+08:00

*edit
random songs with some credits to douya! the first 2 videos can't be found.

Unbeautiful by Lesley Roy

Mad by Ne-Yo

Sorry by Buckcherry

Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same

[Pre-Chorus:]
Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die

[Chorus:]
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry:

This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorry!

[Chorus]

*from night before
even though we've drifted, i hope you know that my love for you is unconditional (even if it sounds damn wrong but it's really what i feel haha) and if anything happens to you i'll be the first to rush there. i mean i may not be the first to actually reach there but i hope you know that i'll always be here and i've always been. and if you choose to seek a shelter in me i would be more than happy.

after all these while, i've found what's good enough for me but i haven't forgotten you so i hope you haven't forgotten me too:) when we get too carried away with our own lives, let's take some time to find each other back ya.

2009-01-08T23:26:00.002+08:00

everything in the book sounded like something i would have written. i guess i'm not alone haha. and i left something for myself too. it was kind of dumb that everyone else saw it except for me? maybe i was in denial. or maybe i just chose to overlook it.

can the sun please stop hidingggg!

Dipsy green, glitter Tweety Bird yellow and Tom and Jerry's Tom with bling.

2009-01-06T23:27:00.002+08:00

okay this is damn random but i find this picture very turn on even though the male model doesn't exactly look good to me. haha. so shou's type.

2009-01-05T16:34:00.002+08:00

just smile and carry on and appreciate what you have around you. just remember who you are and never lose yourself. just remember those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

less than one week left of freedom? let's make the best use of it. wish i could make The Great Escape like Boys Like Girls. and it has been raining so much it's impossible to tan.

and shou said something very true. as you grow older, you get more picky with friends. you don't settle for hi-bye friends, you're looking for friends who can connect with you and walk with you the rest of your life. no wonder i'm starting to find lesser and lesser good friends each time i make a transition. ever since school started last year, i can safely say i've only one friend that i depend on in school. kind of sad huh?

i like the excitement of new friends though:) but i'm like currently not in my best skin to be all out like my usual self. think it's also time to find back some drifted friends.

2009-01-04T16:00:00.005+08:00

ignore and avoid. it's a sick repetition. and sometimes i feel like i'm being tested and pushed to the limits. i wonder what's that supposed to be for? doesn't matter i guess, since i'm so sick of it and i've had enough. and i hate it when i'm being like 200% serious and the person i'm talking to takes it as a laughing matter. how rude.

i don't know what's left in your brain seriously. you've changed and i don't recognise you anymore. need i say more?

2009-01-03T01:20:00.002+08:00

it's time for me to walk away. walk away from all of it, all of the shit i've been stuck in. and i know i won't be missed.

2009-01-02T15:13:00.004+08:00

hello 2009!
i must say 2009 started rather unusual because for the first time in maybe my whole life, i found a dog which was really cute and i actually touched and stroked it and managed to look at it lovingly. huihui has such an adorable dog. his name is Tan Ah Boy. and maybe this is a new start for me that i may overcome my fear of dogs. hopefully. but claudine's dog is still omg scary.

i've found a few new friends that cross over from the end of 2008 thanks to eugene and those from school and i hope 2009 would be a year to meet many many people to find more friends to grow old with:)

and it shall be a year of more hard work to my studies. yes i can do it:)

let's go see the exhibits by the Musuem of Broken Relationships at Esplanade. 8 jan to 18 jan.

2008-12-31T02:40:00.004+08:00

"When people walk away from you, let them walk. Don't try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring for you, coming to see you, or staying attached to you. When people walk away, let them walk. Your destiny isn't tied to anybody who left."

Oh and guys really should go listen and pay attention to the lyrics of Beyonce's If I Were A Boy.

2008-12-29T05:22:00.003+08:00

haha i think the best lines in Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 are

Tibby: I suck at relationships. I wish I were a boy.
Lena: If you were a boy, you wouldn't be thinking about sucking at relationships.

2008-12-27T20:06:00.002+08:00

so happy i found the chick flicks that i've been wanting to watch online :) i watched wild child and i'm on sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 now. i like it that sisterhood of the traveling pants is not the typical teen flick with a female lead ending up with the male lead sort of thing? the characters are just so real. how they feel, their thoughts...

next will be angus, thongs and perfect snogging! hope it'll be good.

2008-12-25T23:45:00.000+08:00

it's a bloody cult group.

2008-12-25T15:48:00.003+08:00

merry x'mas! i had fun last night. it has been memorable unlike most of my xmas-es. thank you all of you!:) i didn't have to join the grinch on channel 5. i hope those unglam photos don't come out so soon. good times like these are so rare when school is going to start. so let's enjoy the holidays while we can! like our night cycling etc. but at least this holiday ended well afterall :) and i'm ready to move into 2009.

2008-12-22T17:34:00.005+08:00

you threw it away once and i picked it back. and then you threw it away again. but this time, it's broken and i can't pick it back anymore. i thought you were different but i only have myself to blame. for having bad judgement and being too blinded by love. i'm a fool. i don't want to be a fool anymore.

so i'll leave it to fate just like what you did. and maybe one day we'll cross paths again. if we don't, good luck i hope you'll be well.

2008-12-21T04:29:00.001+08:00

what did i do to deserve this honestly? how about nothing.

2008-12-19T05:10:00.004+08:00

you feel guilty and nothing else. it's time to move on! come on all my single ladies! we're young and we've got nothing to lose!

wah too many photos alr damn camwhore! and we're damn too much, we had flashlights going on in wq's car the entire journey frighten all the other cars. haha.

2008-12-18T14:58:00.002+08:00

it's about 13 days more to the end of the year. this year seemed pretty fast huh. before i know it, it's going to be 2009 and i will turn 21. we're all going to turn 21 one by one. i think 2008 wld be too unhappy to look back upon next yr.

okay it's time i get my lazy tired self out of my hse to go dawns house to kope the stuff she bake. haha. i'm so hungry. i need salty food.

2008-12-17T00:08:00.003+08:00

i was walking home alone when i realised that no one is going to worry for me when i walk home late at night the way you used to.

i used to depend on you, now i have to depend on myself. you got me so used to having you around and being there for me and then you left me to get used to what it was like before. i still don't see your logic and never ever will. you have the weirdest logic. no one can ever beat you. i thought i was forgiving but i guess i can never ever forgive you for what you did. and it's not like you're actually making the effort to even be good friends like what you suggested? but i will rise above the situation and rise above you.

oh and i gave beer many chances but i still don't like it. even though i think brewerkz beer is the best i've tasted. i only like a bit of the after-taste of it.

and i feel kind of dumb always hanging around online waiting for you to maybe come online and maybe actually talk to me. zzzz me yes i know.

2008-12-16T04:19:00.005+08:00

a good trip to the airport(where i used to frequent whenever i'm down) made me feel better. i guess cooping myself up at home and keeping to myself really isn't the way. i also ate 2 rounds of popeyes for supper haha. i actually managed to laugh at myself and look back and think about how silly i was to think a certain way(or many ways actually). i can sit down calmly and actually start listing out why i'm really upset and disappointed. i have even sort of a plan for myself to find back my inner peace and focus on work for next year. thanks douya :) i'm sorry if you're sick of listening to me or if i really don't make sense and you keep laughing at me. and to make myself happier, i got myself blue nails those like the thomas and friends choo-choo train cartoon kind of blue. and even if it looks crazy and i do sound kind of crazy and appear crazy for this period, i guess it's fine. as louie said, it's okay to be crazy now because everyone will understand. something like that haha. and douya has purple barney nails which are lovely. we will definitely go back to that shop to do our nails :) wq you should try too! west coast plaza the new hip place to be. haha and also, welcome back! we should have that way overdue sleepover! and i will trim my hair on friday!

2008-12-15T01:49:00.005+08:00

Blind - Lifehouse

"Blind"

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

2008-12-14T16:11:00.004+08:00

As soon as i hit the sheets, emotions swept right through me and the tears fell uncontrollably. It was yet another sleepless night. Sigh. Love makes us vulnerable. Well, you made me vulnerable and then you shot right through my heart. Am I still alive? I feel like a part of me had died. My heart is still bleeding. Words cannot express the tears that fall and those heart wrenches i feel. I searched myself for answers that cannot be produced. I dug my soul trying to see and accept the situation. All is nothing but a blur. And my vision blurred up again.

Why? How have we ended up here? How have I ended up here alone? Forsaken, forgotten, forlorn... You made a decision on your own. I thought i deserve a say. Afterall, it involved me in the first place. You have scarred me with broken promises. I don't know how long this will take to heal. I'm weak I admit it. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was very cautious too but I must have fell into some manhole. This manhole must have been love.

Love has no reason right? Trying to fit a logic to it makes it illogical. Love is the greatest power of all mankind. If you've attained or found it, don't ever ever let it go for anything in the world because it's love that makes you the most powerful person alive.

A trip to love has taught me a lesson. In fact, it has reduced me to an empty walking vessel. It has brought me back to where I once was - cold and empty. And maybe, it's better to entrust you to yourself than to someone else. I guess it's still better to trust yourself. I don't believe in love anymore.

2008-12-12T21:58:00.007+08:00

*edit: i also want to tell you that whatever you told me hurts like shit or rather hurts like fuck. i need a lot of time to start seeing you as a friend. i waited for after your exams. i waited and waited and this is what i got. you painted a picture so beautiful but the picture didn't include me. i'm just a loser.

i don't know what to think of this but i'll be strong. thanks to the few of you who have been there for me you know who you are:) i really appreciate it.

time to find msyelf and live for myself. there's nothing left for me to hold on. i tried my best. but best wasn't enough.

12 plus am:
it would be easier to say i hate you because you make me cry every night before i sleep. i don't even know what you want, what you're thinking and i never will know. i'm waiting and waiting everyday and i don't even get a reply. wtf is this. i told you on sat and then until now i'm still left alone. left alone to face the sadness, left alone to just cry. i can't believe you even leave me alone when i need you the most. this is what you do best: leave me alone when i need you. i think i'm some joke. what the hell did i even do to deserve this? why the hell am i always left alone when i'm down. this is so dysfuntional. but what the hell can i even do? nothing! i want to help myself but i can't even do that. you're just so cruel and selfish. maybe it's time i face it. time to face that maybe you're not the one for me.

2008-12-11T15:46:00.009+08:00

dream interpretations are so cool. last night i dreamt:

Spa

To dream that you are at a spa, suggests that you need to take time out and pamper yourself. Perhaps you need to come clean and wash away old secrets, pains, or guilt. It is time to let your emotions out and begin the healing process. Start fresh.

Naked

To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up, signifies your vulnerability to a situation.

Bread

To see bread in your dream, represents the basic needs of life. Bread may signify the positive qualities and great things you have learned on your journey of life. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to rise above the situation or rise for the occasion.

Escalator

To see an escalator in your dream, indicates movement between various levels of consciousness. If you are going down the escalator, then it implies repression and descent back into your unconscious. It may be indication of a setback.

Car

However, if you are the passenger, then you are taking a passive role. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

Friend

To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.

Computer

To see a computer in your dream, symbolizes technology, information, and modern life. New areas of opportunities are being opened to you. Alternatively, computers also represent a lack of individuality and lack off emotions and feelings. Too often, you are just going along with the flow, without voicing your own opinions and views. You may also feel a depreciated sense of superiority.

Ham

To dream that you are eating ham, indicates that you need to preserve your energy.

To see hams in your dream, indicates that you are experiencing some emotional difficulties. The symbol may also be metaphor to suggest your desire for attention.

hmmm wonder if i can actually piece it together. it does make some sense.

and the truth is i miss you and i don't even understand why this is happening. all i did was tell you what i was upset about and you left me alone to face all this sadness.

hmm dream interpretation says:

Possessed

To dream that you are possessed, represents your state of helplessness and not being in control of things.

no wonder.

2008-12-10T15:49:00.004+08:00

it's ironic how i only started feeling lonely when i wasn't single. anyway, these days there's nothing much to look forward to. and i think i'm falling sick plus nightmares of getting possessed which is really very very scary(considering i like horror movies and stuff) but thanks to huihui in my dreams who was chanting some stuff to me HAHA. i was so glad when i woke up to find myself on my bed. i just felt like i was going to die or rather i was better off dead lah. it better not happen again. i hate nightmares. and i think i really need to force myself to eat more? i have been eating mostly one meal a day due to the worst sleeping habits ever and it's just very bad lah. thank goodness last night i managed to fall asleep at 2 plus only to wake up at around 9 am unable to get back to sleep. disrupted sleep, disrupted meals, what's next?

2008-12-08T22:02:00.001+08:00

i'm just waiting to see how you're going to handle this. and how you handle this is crucial in letting me decide if i should just hold on or let go. i hope that whatever you do, you won't look back with regrets.

2008-12-08T02:37:00.002+08:00

"... but there're still things and spaces that are entitled to us." thanks friend:) but you know what? maybe i don't have the confidence that i'm actually entitled to it. and that's what makes it really sad.

2008-12-07T03:06:00.001+08:00

i think i've lost my faith in it.

2008-12-06T23:08:00.005+08:00

i think i'm kind of numb or getting used to it. but then i start to ask myself, why should i get used to it? it's overdone. it's crossing the limit.

dear friend, i know exactly how you feel and you are not alone. sometimes i tell myself that i don't deserve this but i'm just too soft to do anything about it. or rather i have no power. you're probably in the same boat. but we're strong, we don't let it make us depressed. we don't let it bring us down simply because it's not even our fault or within our control. we're super totally exasperated but just let it be and one day, maybe we'll be so over it we can laugh about it. meanwhile, let's enjoy this holiday. we've got each other :)and we can be busy too!

i'm done with crying

2008-12-01T02:10:00.004+08:00

one day... maybe that one day will come. when i can't take it anymore.

2008-11-24T01:52:00.003+08:00

hope you had a good bday darling :) if only it could last forever - being away from reality.

2008-11-21T03:53:00.004+08:00

wow if you guys have time go watch this film called Zeistgeist it is very very interesting. especially if you have interest in conspiracy theories. a friend introduced it to me.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-594683847743189197

2008-11-20T22:17:00.003+08:00

sometimes you have an issue with someone and you're not the only one. your friends have the same issue with that someone too. but it's hard to get things across even though it's right there and you know it. you can try to change ppl if they are unaware of their bahaviour but what if they are aware? and no matter what, being girls, it's still dificult to say it right out. this is such a headache and it's draining as well. i want to walk away from it. why should you endure a friend who's making you unhappy so often? if you start to evaluate the friendship, maybe you will realise it isn't so valuable afterall? i will try to work this one. but as for another, i've put it way behind me. i really don't get you and time has shown me you're not worth it. byebye.

2008-11-18T01:00:00.003+08:00

HAHA this is all too cute. it's like the replay of what happened to me just that now i get to sit back and laugh at it. i'm really feeling excited for you!

after exams lets have a girly sleepover at wq's or something! complete with chick flicks and girly songs to last the night. and seriously wq, it's time to learn that sleepovers are NOT meant for sleeping especially in your own house omg. haha. or we can choose girls night out. it's been a while.

2008-11-08T19:49:00.002+08:00

sem is kind of going to come to an end pretty soon. i'm a little sad ): i hope i'll be in the same classes as them next sem.

this year has passed super quickly and i can't even really remember what i was doing from like jan all the way to school starts. besides some significant moments and times where i was working at the zoo (and thank goodnesss those days are over). all those annoying ppl... and everytime when the year is coming to an end, i will think about the entire year: about the people who are in my life and the happy and sad moments etc.

well, i think i've found new friends. and kind of found back a few old/lost ones. this year hasn't treated me all that bad. and i still have you with me as well (: last yr i was wondering about it.

let's all live our years of youth to the max together and look back at it with smiles and laughter in future. like the super troupers. haha.

2008-11-01T19:23:00.003+08:00

wah i'm feeling super bored and restless i need to get out! and i'm hooked on clubbing songs. haha. maybe i'll go out later to soak up some night atmosphere. wah okay i just realise how retarded that sounds. i'm truly glad for friends in school that makes school so much more fun and bearable with all the work and though they won't see this, i would still like to thank them anyhow:) we should put our night cycling plan into action SOON.

and english got better with some lucky twist of fate! haha.

2008-10-31T15:53:00.006+08:00

why? why am i feeling this way?

why do you always sound like my mom and you ask me why the both of you are saying the same things. do you want me to hate you?

why do you always make me feel like i'm just dragging you down or something? like i'll be the cause of your downfall.

i'm sorry i ate into 1 hour of your time. that's all i can say. i can never measure up to all your other priorities. oh yes i must have been inconsiderate. so maybe it's time to be considerate.

and there i was again, crying even in my sleep.

2008-10-31T00:34:00.004+08:00

it feels so familiar it's like practically happening all over again. oh noo... not a pleasant memory. sometimes i don't know what to think about it. i just rely on my tolerance. i hope it gets me through since i kind of dislike confrontations. it's difficult to be in between and trying to remain really neutral. but i guess i've got to.

oh man i feel so warm and feverish. zzzz.

and i love the way you put your arm around me when we look at those lovely house decor magazines :)

oh yah and i'm looking forward to many more fun nights with you guys! my friends all told me you guys were very fun they want to go with you guys next time so ya i'm like a proud mother once again.

2008-10-27T17:32:00.002+08:00

i have been crying almost everyday. fuck you.

and no, nobody understands. this stupid emotional rollercoaster.

2008-10-24T00:13:00.006+08:00

my brain is going to explode. this is probably one of my worst days ever :( i can't explain how much i wish i could just have some peace and be alone. and they never take me seriously. and i'm already trying so hard to make everything right. sigh. and i thought such days were over. why the hell do my parents always think i'm not serious about my school work? i just want to pluck out all my freaking hair and sleep and never wake up. no wonder i'm forever stuck in this abyss of depression.

gosh sometimes i'm really sick of life. and i just feel like saying screw everyone.

2008-10-18T00:16:00.002+08:00

omg english essay is so frustrating and english class itself is getting kind of frustrating too. i'm feeling so zzzzz i think i'll leave it for another day.

!%^&$&^%#&

i just feel like swearing. and everytime i see the english journal topic i'm supposed to do every week, i get annoyed.